Involving Children & Teens in Services

Parents often wonder if a child should attend a funeral or memorial service of a loved one. The most important factor when making this decision is having an open, honest conversation with your child about what the funeral or memorial service will entail. Here are some guidelines when talking with children about the service:

• Prepare them. Let the child know what is going to happen at the service so they know what to expect. Will there be a body? Will there be an open casket? Has the body been cremated? Try finding your own words, which fit with your belief system.
• Give them choices. You may want to protect your child by keeping them away from the funeral, but later in life children often express sadness they were not given the choice to attend.
• Allow them to contribute to the ceremony. They may want to draw a picture or write a letter to put in the casket or with the cremains. They may wish to choose music, flowers or food for the service.
• Plan ahead. Have a trusted family member sit with them at the service so they can offer the child support or leave the service with the child if it gets to be too much. This can be especially helpful for younger children who may have difficulty sitting through a long service.
• Help them understand. Use concrete language when talking about burial or cremation. If there is a body to view, explain to your child that their loved one’s body does not work anymore, they no longer move, eat, speak or think and they are not hurting, hungry or cold. If their loved one was cremated, assure the child that their loved one had no pain during cremation. Give your child the opportunity to touch the body or ashes if they choose, and respect their feelings if they prefer not to get close to the body or ashes.
• Consider an alternative ceremony. If the child is uncomfortable attending the service, consider doing something else to celebrate their memory, such as planting a tree, having a balloon release, or reading a poem or story about their loved one.